


the life and times of zolf smith

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Asexual Character, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Fluff, M/M, discussions of romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24049876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: “Alright, Mr. Smith,” Cel says, slamming their hands down on the table in between them and Zolf. “We’re getting to the bottom of this whether you like it or not.”Zolf raises an eyebrow at them, before his gaze drifts to the two tankards that Cel brought over from the inn kitchen a few moments ago. They’re beautifully chilled, just the way he likes it.“The bottom of what?” Zolf asks, although he thinks he has an idea of what they’re getting at. Doesn’t mean he’s going to make it easy for them, of course. Gotta find entertainment somewhere around here.
Relationships: Captain Erika/Zolf Smith (mentioned), Celiquillithon "Cel" Sidebottom & Zolf Smith, Commander Barnes/Zolf Smith (mentioned), Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith (implied unrequited)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 92





	the life and times of zolf smith

**Author's Note:**

> technically could be canon compliant but. you know. 
> 
> i think zolf and cel have a fantastic dynamic as all ben and lydia characters do and i love them so much. i do not care if this is IC this is so blatantly self-indulgent

“Alright, Mr. Smith,” Cel says, slamming their hands down on the table in between them and Zolf. “We’re getting to the bottom of this whether you like it or not.”

Zolf raises an eyebrow at them, before his gaze drifts to the two tankards that Cel brought over from the inn kitchen a few moments ago. They’re beautifully chilled, just the way he likes it. 

“The bottom of what?” Zolf asks, although he thinks he has an idea of what they’re getting at. Doesn’t mean he’s going to make it  _ easy _ for them, of course. Gotta find entertainment somewhere around here. 

They’re on a break from the mission at the moment; Azu and Hamid are both taking a night off, Azu spending some time on the training grounds while Hamid relaxes with a nice long soak. Wilde is pacing somewhere in his study, Zolf is sure. He always gets this way when people are out of his sight, gets antsy and closed off until they come back. Currently, they're all waiting on Carter and Barnes to come back with some more solid information on what direction they should head next. 

Smart money says Svalbard, but Zolf’s hoping not. All he’s ever heard about Svalbard all his  _ life _ has been how strict they are about outsiders. He doesn’t much fancy having to convince a bunch of insular dwarves to let outsiders into their community, especially with this entire mess going on. Cel doesn’t seem best pleased about having to make a run of it in Europe if they do end up heading back there, and Zolf can’t blame them. They haven’t heard Cel’s full backstory yet, but if there’s one thing Zolf is familiar with, it’s trauma. He thinks Cel  _ should  _ talk about it, but if they’re not there yet, then pushing could only make it worse. 

A pair of fingers snap in front of his face and Zolf starts a bit, glaring half-heartedly up at Cel as they sit there, looking unconcerned. “Earth to Mr. Smith. Hello? You there, buddy?”

Zolf bats Cel’s hand away, and they don’t seem to take offense to it, simply pulling it back so that they can scootch Zolf’s tankard closer to him. He gives it a suspicious look.

“Anything in there?” he asks, because he wouldn’t completely put it past them, but Cel just leans back, offended. 

“Why, I would  _ never _ , I -“ Zolf raises the tankard to his lips and gives Cel a disbelieving look. He knows that they wouldn’t  _ spike  _ a drink, none of them would because they aren’t  _ monsters,  _ but he knows they put some calming potions in Azu’s drink when she’s all keyed up and unable to sleep, and some wakefulness potions in Wilde’s morning tea sometimes when his undereye circles are darker than normal. “Okay, I  _ would _ , but only ever to help, and those are usually in such  _ small  _ quantities that they really just - you know,  _ encourage  _ how people already feel and give them a bit of a kick in the right direction. But I  _ didn’t  _ put anything in your drink, I promise.”

Zolf believes them. He takes a drink, and gives the tankard an appreciative glance. It’s one of the inn’s best brews, and he’s not sure how Cel knew his favorites but he’s not going to complain. 

“So, what did - you said you wanted to, what, get to the bottom of something? What, er - what something?” he asks, taking another swig. 

“Oh, nothing special, I’ve just got, well, a  _ few  _ questions. Maybe you could call them inquires? Anyway, I’m  _ very  _ curious about some of the, uh - let’s call them interparty dynamics of the team, hm? Just, there’s a whole hell of a lot going on there and really, I’m sort of new and behind the ball a bit so if you wouldn’t mind -“

“ _ Cel,”  _ Zolf cuts them off, holding a hand up. “What do you want to know?”

Any other day, he might have fought, might have demanded a bit more explanation, but they  _ had _ brought him this lovely glass of mead and, well, frankly? He was  _ bored,  _ sitting around with not much to do except go over plans he’s read a thousand times and try once again to figure this whole mess out.

“You said you weren’t with Wilde...“ Cel starts, and Zolf shakes his head. He almost feels like he should have expected it to go in this direction, so he’s not completely sure why he’s surprised. 

“I’m really,  _ really _ not,” Zolf says, almost amused at how much they refuse to let this go. It’s almost endearing, in a way, but he’s never lied about it. Wilde is his friend, and he cares about the man, but there’s never been anything romantic between them and there never will be. “He’s a good man, better now than before, but he is  _ decidedly _ not my type.”

“Not even a little?” Cel pushes, needling a bit, and Zolf rolls his eyes.

“Honestly, Cel, I’ve told you  _ three times,  _ no. Not even a little. Not at all,” Zolf says, holding up a hand as Cel opens their mouth again. “Seriously. Three times.”

“Okay,  _ fine,”  _ Cel concedes, sitting down in the chair with a huff. Zolf doesn't  _ really  _ know why they’ve appointed themselves his romantic… liaison? Or something? He chalks it up to their need to know things, to research and categorise. It’s - he’s really fine with it, mostly because Zolf has nothing to hide, but he’s still probably going to let them do most of the talking and only respond to the direct questions. 

“What about - okay, Carter?” they ask, and Zolf, having just taken a sip of mead,  _ chokes.  _ He pounds his fist on his chest as he tries to get his breath back, and they lean over, clapping him on the back as Zolf coughs wildly. Eventually, it passes, and he leans back in his chair as he tries to catch his breath. 

“N -  _ no  _ -“ he gasps out, shuddering at the simple thought. “Gods. No. Like, he - he’s  _ handsome,  _ I guess, if you like that sort of thing? But  _ gods,  _ I think I would kill him in a minute. Just -  _ no _ .”

He takes another few swigs of his drink to recover, holding up a hand to stop Cel from speaking while he’s doing so. Choking on mead  _ burns _ , and he really isn’t eager to repeat the experience. He sets the tankard down, swallowing, and lowers his hand so that they can continue. 

“You said - okay, fine, Carter was a reach, I admit that, but sometimes in research you have to ask questions you  _ already  _ know the answers to, but -“ Cel trails off, glancing around blankly. “I think I forgot my point. Where -  _ oh, _ right, yes, so no to Carter, but what about the er - the stony guy, shirt always cut open -  _ Barnes _ , now  _ he’s  _ a handsome one, did you and he ever -“ they say, and Zolf, suddenly feeling very warm, takes a long drink again. “Oh my gods, you  _ did.” _

“It - we - okay, listen. It - er, wasn’t anything like what - what you’re thinking,” he cautions, and Cel leans forward, eyebrows waggling. “Nope, no -  _ none of that,  _ thanks.”

“Oh, c’mon, Zolf,” Cel nearly whines, stretching their arms out on the table and nearly reaching across to him. “Please? Promise not to share. Pinky promise. Is that a thing you all have in Europe? It’s like - like a  _ bond,  _ with -“ 

It’s half because Zolf is starting to feel the alcohol and half because he wants Cel to be quiet for a minute when he reaches out and links his pinky with theirs. They nod, solemnly, and Zolf leans back. It really wasn’t anything  _ sordid,  _ Zolf has no interest in that, but he knows how it  _ sounds. _

“We - first off, nothing  _ really  _ happened, alright? Just. Go in knowing that. Put the eyebrows away.” Cel immediately schools their face into a more passable imitation at calmness, which is a new look for them, Zolf realises, and he sighs, tapping his fingers on the table. 

“Okay. A few months ago, Carter - you know how he is - was trying to put the moves on Wilde. It failed,  _ spectacularly - _ me and Barnes stayed out of it and the, er, the resulting fallout by bringing a load of rum up to his room and getting absolutely pissed. One thing led to another, we were - gods, I barely remember, we - I think we were arguing about the court martial thing, and then - kissing. And we were both absolutely smashed, so some… clearly poor decisions were being made. Anyways - we - okay, then he fell asleep, and I - well, I left, because what  _ else _ was I going to do, and we… haven’t really spoken about it. At all.”

Cel leans forward with what can best be described as a shite-eating grin on their face, one that immediately makes Zolf more wary. “But you  _ want  _ to,” they surmise, and Zolf pushes their face away as they start making kissy noises at him. 

“Oi,” he laughs, hand still holding Cel’s face as far back as he can. “It was a one-time thing! Nothing more.”

“Mhm,” Cel hums, clearly not believing him, and the blush that Zolf can feel spreading across his cheeks and down his neck definitely isn’t helping his cause. Plus, he - well, he would be  _ lying  _ if he said he hadn’t  _ thought  _ about it, and sometimes he thinks Barnes might be - well, Barnes doesn’t really flirt at all, not unless he’s drunk, but he brings up the court martial thing often enough that Zolf thinks he  _ might  _ remember it too? Not like Zolf would - well, ever bring it up again. Just in case he’s wrong about the entire thing and it was a makeout fueled by alcohol and misplaced affection. 

Cel seems confident that it’s neither of those options, but they were  _ also  _ confident that a reagent that they were messing with  _ wouldn’t  _ cause an explosion, and it had taken them and Azu nearly an hour to scrub all the soot marks out of their room after it had exploded fantastically. Stands to reason that Zolf is a bit more hesitant to take what Cel believes as an absolute. 

“I mean, this  _ really  _ isn’t the time to - er, to discuss any of that, we…” Zolf diverts, taking a steadying sip of his drink. At least he can chalk up the blush high on his cheeks to the alcohol, since the mead has settled in his stomach and made his entire chest feel warmer than usual. He’s not sure if  _ Cel _ will buy it, but it’s definitely what he’s telling himself. “Sure you have more questions, so…”

They consider him for a moment, evaluating. “I mean, there were eighteen months I wasn’t even here for, who  _ knows  _ who it could be.”

Zolf holds up his fingers, ticking them off. “So, there’s Curie - no. Freud - terrible. Amelia - not into men. None of the Harlequins really trusted me, so no. Er, before I even met this lot, worked on a pirate ship? Was with the captain for a while. Erika. Then I -“

Cel slams their hands on the table and Zolf raises his eyebrows at them. “You dated a  _ pirate captain?” _

Zolf winces, mostly because  _ dating  _ sounds so… sixth form, but they’re not wrong. “Yeah, we were together for a bit, and then I’d decided I’d had enough of the whole pirating thing and headed off to London. Parted on good terms, and all. Neither of us thought it were a  _ permanent _ thing.”

“A  _ pirate captain, _ ” Cel repeats, and then they lean back in their chair as they study Zolf. “My

opinion of you just went up a few notches, Mr. Smith.”

“Thanks, I -“ Zolf squints at them as the words process. “Wait, what? It -“

“Don’t worry about it,” they say, cutting him off with a wave of their hand. Zolf… isn’t convinced, but he’s had enough alcohol by this point that he’s not going to push. He’s not sure what it is about Japan, but all the alcohol seems  _ stronger  _ here, better in a way he can’t describe. Takes way less to hit him. “Anyone… anyone else?”

“All caught up to the present,” Zolf says, spreading his hands wide. 

“Hey, hey - we aren’t done, Mr. Smith,” Cel says, and, oh, he really  _ doesn’t  _ like that little gleam in their eye. He takes another drink, and as loose as he feels now, there’s still an edge of hesitation curling around everything he shares.

He waves for Cel to go ahead, because the sooner they get all their questions out the sooner he can go to bed, and Zolf’s starting to nearly fantasise about sleep now, so the quicker they get it over with, the better. 

“Hmmm,” Cel hums, tapping their fingers on the table. “Feel like I  _ have  _ to guess Azu, even though I don’t  _ think _ that’s anything…”

Zolf raises his tankard to them, bobbing his head. “You would be right.” It’s true. Azu is… lovely, and gorgeous, and could absolutely snap Zolf in half if she so chose. She _wouldn’t,_ of course, because that’s who Azu is, and Zolf is pleased as anything to call her a friend, even if they’d had a rocky go of it at the start. Brought together by Campbell books, and that’s a bit of a coincidence, honestly, considering how Campbell was partially the reason Zolf and Bertie ended up splitting the party and why Zolf left. Nice to have more positive memories associated with sharing the books. 

“Okay, so not Azu… ooh, what about  _ me?”  _ Cel asks, leaning forward with their head resting on their hands as they bat their eyelids. “I’m a  _ catch!”  _

Zolf laughs at that, head nearly falling to the table. “Sure. Yeah. Sorry, Cel, never been… anything there.”

Cel pouts, sitting back in the chair, but their attitude only lasts for a second before they’re leaning forward, knowing gleam in their eye. “It’s the monster thing, isn’t it? Not a fan? Lots of people want monsters to, you know -“ they wiggle their eyebrows in a  _ clear  _ indication of what they mean, and Zolf just shakes his head.

“First off, no. Second off, I’m not interested in  _ any,  _ er - ‘you know’ regardless, so,” Zolf says, trailing off, and watches Cel add it up their mind.

“Oh,” they say, awareness dawning. “ _ Oh!  _ Oh. Right. Got it. Wait, this - I’m not making you uncomfortable, right? That’s - you  _ do  _ know you don’t have to answer? It’s just - sometimes boundaries get a little fuzzy for me, and -“

Zolf just laughs, reaching across the table to clap them on the shoulder. “S’alright. Didn’t - not answering any questions I don’t want to, but - it’s - trying to get…  _ better _ , I guess, at the whole. Conversation thing, yeah? Be more open, and all.”

Cel looks relieved when Zolf says that, and then their smile is back on their face as though it never left. “So, not a fan of  _ kissing  _ monsters, then?

“Not really, no?” Zolf says, amused and relieved at how easy that was.

They sigh dramatically. “There’s another thing you and Azu have in common. Maybe Hamid will appreciate my wings. He seems like a guy who’s into wings and claws.”

Zolf snorts. He’s pretty sure Hamid will be  _ jealous _ of their wings before everything else, especially if he’s still waiting on his own, but he’s not going to dissuade them from trying. 

“Last but not least, then, speaking of the devil,” Cel says, pointing a finger at Zolf. They’ve put away nearly their entire tankard by this point, and Zolf only has a few sips left in his. “Hamid?”

Zolf’s hand freezes on the tankard and he pauses, fingers curled around the handle. It’s - he should have expected this question, really, but he doesn’t know why he thought it would just all pass by before this particular question got asked. 

“I - not - I mean, before I left, er -“ he stutters, trying to downplay it, but Cel sees right through his act. They lean forward on the table and rest their chin on their hand. 

It’s clear they’re not…  _ unaffected _ by the alcohol, either, with the way they’re slightly swaying, but their eyes are as sharp as ever as they evaluate Zolf. “Do go on,” they say, gesturing for him to go ahead, and Zolf sighs.

“Okay,” he says, and it’s… different than it was, admitting his and Barnes’ whole thing. “Okay. We - there - nothing happened. Really. I - I had a bit of a crush, and maybe for a  _ second  _ I thought Hamid felt the same back, but we -“ he shakes his hands helplessly. “I left. Eighteen months passed, I don’t - it was an  _ almost _ , you know? But - nothing ever…  _ came  _ of it. Just. We’re both so different now, too, we - I just want to get to know him, again? Before dealing with… all that.”

Cel nods, as slowly as he’s ever seen them do anything, maybe, and Zolf groans, letting his head fall to the floor. Gods. 

“Let’s just - there’s just - no. He - he isn’t interested, and I’m not going to be the one to bring it up,” Zolf deflects, shifting his grip on the tankard for something to do, something else to focus on, as he rests his head on his arm and stares at the metal. 

They give him a look then, and it’s not… pitying, exactly, but there’s some sympathy, and Zolf averts his eyes. “You… wanna talk about it? I’m not the  _ best  _ listener at times, but I can  _ try  _ and, uh - rein it in, you know, maybe… I’m an outsider, right, I don’t really have a perspective on either of you even though I’ve known you for a  _ few  _ weeks now, which is  _ sort of  _ wild when you think about it, and -“

“Cel,” Zolf cuts them off, raising his head to look at them. “It’s fine - er, came to terms with it, really. Like I said. Eighteen months, and all.”

Cel doesn’t look completely convinced, but they don’t press the issue, and for a Zolf who’s tipsy enough that he’s not completely seeing straight anymore, that’s good enough for him. Still, he thinks that this has maybe been enough sharing and caring for the night, and as much as he wants to turn the proverbial torch on them, he’s a bit conversationed out. 

“Why do you even want to know all this?” Zolf asks, because that’s an easy enough topic, and downs the rest of his drink. “Only known me for a bit.”

Cel shrugs. “I mean, I just like to know things, sometimes, and also, you’re kind of a prickly guy, Mr. Smith -“

“Oh,  _ thanks -“ _

“- I was just  _ curious _ , you know,” Cel continues, as though Zolf had never interrupted them. “Plus, you knew Hamid before Azu, so when I asked her all this she couldn’t give me that many answers from before she’d met him.”

Zolf blinks in surprise. “Wait, you did this with Azu?” They just give him a wink, miming as though they’re zipping their lips shut. 

“Huh,” Zolf says, and shakes his head. “I’m gonna go clean these before I’m tempted to ask more questions.”

“Mhm,” Cel says, and yawns. “You do that.” 

Zolf sighs, picking up both of their tankards. He walks them over to the kitchen, leaving them in the sink with some warm water in so that they can get a nice soak overnight, and then trudges back to the table. Cel’s passed out on the table, snoring loud enough to wake the rest of the inn.

“Right,” Zolf mutters, pushing his sleeves up and cracking his knuckles. He’d done this before, with - with Sasha, when she’d been knocked out, and Cel might be taller than she is, but Zolf thinks he’ll be able to make this work.

He hefts them across his shoulders and grunts, trying to keep his balance. Sasha had been light as all hell, a pack of bones wrapped in a leather jacket. Cel is all limbs, tall and gangly and sprawling, but Zolf is still able to carry them well enough.

Wilde gives him a look when he passes the open door to his office. Zolf makes a drinking motion with his hand before quickly moving it back to support Cel, and Wilde gives him an understanding nod. 

“Oi,” Zolf half-whispers as Wilde turns back to his paperwork. “You better be getting some rest soon too, yeah? Work to do tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course,” Wilde says with a sigh, and waves Zolf on good-naturedly. “Shouldn’t he much longer.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Zolf warns, and where once Wilde would have made a snarky quip, he just nods, tired. 

Zolf adjusts his grip on Cel, making sure not to wake them, and then sets off down the hallway, heading toward their room. He nudges the door open with one of his metal legs and carefully carries them through the door. It’s easy, when he doesn’t have to crouch next to the bed, to gently deposit them on it.

He doesn’t tuck them in, knowing how they really don't like to be constrained, and then heads out, gently shutting the door behind him. For a moment, he waits there, to be sure Cel doesn’t wake up all confused, but their snoring continues and Zolf breathes a sigh of relief. He’s… probably going to have to deal with the aftermath of all that honesty later, but for now he’s tired and slightly this side of drunk and wants nothing more than to go to sleep. After stretching his back, he starts making his way back to his own room. 

For now, he sleeps. The rest can wait till tomorrow. 

**Author's Note:**

> zolf and his pirate captain, erika? yes. zolf dated a pirate captain for a bit. because it’s what he deserves. bi ace king
> 
> also i genuinely really like zolf/barnes. poll. is ‘court marital’ a good ship name (abby dni and credit to connor)


End file.
